


yuzuru hanyu's super secret spicy scandalous romance

by chopinseimei



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: (a really bad one), Attempt at Humor, Friendship, M/M, Secret Relationship, set at the olys again, there's a Lot of skater friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 22:48:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14342598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chopinseimei/pseuds/chopinseimei
Summary: The thought that the other skater might be on a date only occurs to him after the line’s moved up a little more- which is to say, a very long time. Yuzuru never really goes to places one-on-one; despite his flawed English he’s always sociable with the other skaters, so it’s odd to see him with less than three other people with him. Also, it’s not a well-kept secret that Yuzuru is weak for McDonalds. According to Javier, he and Brian had had to literally drag him out of the restaurant once. It hadn’t been pretty. Yuzuru is also extremely careful of his diet around competitions, and he isn’t eating as far as Adam can see. So this could be some weird kind of excercise in self control, or maybe Yuzuru’s just a weird kind of masochist, or maybe he’s on a date.Yuzuru's dating.. well, someone. What follows is an investigation filled with pain, mystery, McDonald's, and most of all,romance.





	yuzuru hanyu's super secret spicy scandalous romance

Adam loves the free McDonalds in the Olympic village.

He does not, however, love the lines. Seriously, he’s been waiting here for almost an hour and the line seems to barely be moving. He’s envious of the people already sitting at tables (and wants to murder those who are sitting at a table for four when there’s only one of them) chatting and eating their meals, totally oblivious to the suffering of those who are still waiting and probably will be until the Olympics are over. Really, you’d think they would’ve done something to cope with the crowds, but whatever.

Adam sighs, tapping his foot lightly on the ground, and glances around. He settles for subtly watching two figures talking off in the corner, barely visible due to the few people standing around waiting for orders. After a while, the small crowd moves along, and there’s just a short period of time where there’s only about one or two people standing in the area. His eyes land on the couple again and widen when he realises who they- or just one of them- are. Yuzuru’s face is still a little hard to see, and his laugh is faint, but he knows that hair from anywhere and his laugh will never fail to be infectious. Adam can’t see the other person because they’ve got a hoodie on and they’re facing away from him, but whatever they’re saying is making Yuzuru grin widely and practically giggle.

The thought that the other skater might be on a date only occurs to him after the line’s moved up a little more- which is to say, a very long time. Yuzuru never really goes to places one-on-one; despite his flawed English he’s always sociable with the other skaters, so it’s odd to see him with less than three other people with him. Also, it’s not a well-kept secret that Yuzuru is weak for McDonalds. According to Javier, he and Brian had had to literally drag him out of the restaurant once. It hadn’t been pretty. Yuzuru is also extremely careful of his diet around competitions, and he isn’t eating as far as Adam can see. So this could be some weird kind of excercise in self control, or maybe Yuzuru’s just a weird kind of masochist, or maybe he’s on a date.

Adam resists the urge to sigh again. The line is moving a little faster now, but then again they could be going at a snail’s pace and it’d still be miles faster than whatever’s happening right now. He loves drama, but he doesn’t enjoy intruding on his fellow athlete’s business; if there’s something that they don’t know, then there’s a reason for it to be like that. But also… he loves drama. He really, really does.

He groans. This is why he hates long lines.

* * *

 

**BLADES R FOR SKATIN, YA DINGUS**

gayther: hey guys

**4A OR BUST was kicked from the chat by gayther.**

adam’s son: oh no

satton: oh no

satton: what did yuzu do this time

super javi: did he send you another outdated meme again

gayther: NO

gayther: ok ok guys listen

super javi: oh he’s got gossip

boyangman: SPILL THE BEEF

gayther: i think yuzuru was on a date at mcdonalds

superjavi: ABSOLUTE B L A S P H E M Y

satton: i agree with javier

satton: yuzu never goes there before competition

adam’s son: yeah u sure that ur not just mistaking someone else for him????

gayther: NO IT’S HIM I SWEAR

gayther: GUYS SERIOUSLY LEMME GRAB A PIC

**gayther sent an image.**

gayther: kinda blurry but SEE!!!!!

superjavi: Ah.

satton: Ah.

adam’s son: Ah.

boyangman: Ah.

queen mirai: ok i just got here what’s going on

gayther: scroll up honey

queen mirai: oh

queen mirai: OHHHH

queen mirai: well uh how do we know it’s a date??? he could just be chillin or smth

gayther: honestly i don’t know

gayther: look i live for drama and i’ve been in this line for a solid hour and a half let me live a little

adam’s son: WHAT A MOOD

superjavi: he never even told me he was leaving

superjavi: also brian told him not to go to mcdonalds i am so grassing on him

queen mirai: tf is grassing

superjavi: ‘If a person grasses on someone else, they tell the police or someone in authority about something bad that that person has done’

superjavi: i overheard some random british guys saying it the other day

boyangman: THE MORE YOU KNOW I GUESS!!! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

boyangman: also adam INVESTIGATE

gayther: what

gayther: look i love drama as much as the next gay but i am not giving up my place in line for this

gayther: *guy but it still applies

queen mirai: AHFDHDFGH

boyangman: FINE

boyangman: NATHAN MEET ME AT THE MCDONALDS IN FIVE MINS

gayther: ??????????

adam’s son: righty o

adam’s son: also act casual

**adam’s son added 4A OR BUST to the chat.**

4A OR BUST: sorry guys i was chilling with some friends

4A OR BUST: but why was i removed from the chat?? i haven’t sent any memes in the last 24 hours :(

gayther: sorry it was an accident i was messing around with the settings a bit

4A OR BUST: you weren’t trying to change the background to shrek again were you

gayther: …………………………………….WELL

* * *

 

**yuzuru hanyu’s super secret spicy scandalous romance**

**gayther added adam’s son, queen mirai, superjavi, boyangman and 2 others to the chat.**

queen mirai: that’s invalid

adam’s son: yeah i agree there’s no alliteration in the last part

gayther: WELL EXCUUUUSE ME

gayther: WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT, OH WISE ONE

queen mirai: .

adam’s son: .

boyangman: .

superjavi: .

satton: ???

gayther: oh no

gayther: don’t you dare

queen mirai: SEX LIFE

gayther: blocked and reported

gayther: but ANYWAY

gayther: yuzu lied he just said he was ‘chilling with some friends’ also boyang i see you peeking in through the window

boyangman: HOW DO WE NOT LOOK SUSPICIOUS????

adam’s son: boyang i’m behind that bush

adam’s son: no the other one

boyangman: ohhhHHHHHH

adam’s son: alright alright we’re gonna see if we can get details on this date, we’ll update u all later

gayther: REMEMBER TO TAKE PICS!!!!!

* * *

 

Nathan creeps around the corner, peeking his head out from the fake bush just outside the McDonalds. If Adam’s right, Yuzuru and his mysterious date should be sitting near the back window. He waves Boyang over, and the other skater scrambles over to him on all fours, eyes darting around nervously all the while.

“Noone’s going to notice us here.” he assures him, despite the fact that he’s looking around too. Really, though, weirder things have happened in the Olympic village; two guys crawling around the back of a McDonalds probably isn’t the worst anyone’s seen. Nathan shudders, thinking of what exactly the worst thing to see at the Olympic village is. He’s only been here for about a week and he’s already seen some shit he wishes he hadn’t.

Boyang shakes him out of his trance, then leans up a little to peer in through the window.

“Not here.” he announces, already moving toward the next window stealthily. Huh. Maybe that Spiderman program had some lasting affects on him.

It goes on like that for a good five minutes or so; they pause for a good few seconds, peer in through the window, then try to guess how far from Yuzuru’s table they are. They get caught once or twice, once by some random athletes that neither Nathan or Boyang have heard of, and the second time it’s Maia and Alex. They somehow manage to communicate through the window, and after about a minute of Nathan wildly gesturing toward his phone they get the hint and check the group chat. Maia snickers a little to herself, but Alex laughs a little louder before glancing back at where Yuzuru’s table is, then makes a gesture that Nathan assumes is saying he’ll try take a picture.

When they finally get to the right window, Nathan resists the urge to cheer and high-five Boyang, who’s currently leaning up to see who’s with the older skater. He’s about to do the same, but suddenly Boyang yelps and ducks down quickly, dragging Nathan down with him. “He almost saw us.” Boyang hisses, then waits a few more moments before looking back up again. “No! He’s leaving!”

Nathan is about to say that they should just leave, but when he looks over his shoulder at Boyang the other skater isn’t there. In fact, he’s not even outside anymore, because half of his body is through the McDonalds window that had been pried open at some point, one arm held out while he frantically snaps pictures with his phone.

“Boyang-!” before Nathan can attempt to get him down, Boyang’s precarious balance on the window slips and he crashes down onto the table with an audible thud. Adam, who has finally gotten his food, drops the burger and milkshake he’d ordered with a loud gasp and rushes over. Yuzuru, halfway to the exit and separated from his mysterious date, whips around and runs over too. So that leaves Nathan, awkwardly hanging outside of the window, not really knowing what to do now except stare at his fellow athletes with a look that he hopes says _ I had nothing to do with this. _

And that is the story of how Boyang and Nathan are banned from the Olympic village’s McDonald’s.

* * *

 

“Alright,” says Keiji, about a day later. “We need someone to go undercover.”

The room immediately bursts into chatter; Keiji can’t do it because he’s frankly a horrible liar, and even though Yuzuru has decent English it won’t be enough to get the information they need. And noone else is really that close with the other skater; sure, everyone’s _friends_ with him, but romance and relationships is an unspoken boundary. So that leaves them with one other choice.

“What about Shoma?” Nathan says, from his spot in the corner with Vincent, Mirai and Adam. “They seem pretty close.”

“Ah!” Keiji snaps his fingers and points at Nathan with a smirk. “ _ And  _ Shoma can be a little shit when he wants to be. You’re a genius.”

“You’re  _ also _ banned from McDonald’s.” Vincent mumbles, earning himself a light punch in the arm from Nathan.

“Alright then,” Keiji starts, then whips a piece of paper and a pen out of nowhere before throwing it down onto the table. “We need a plan. We have Yuzuru’s mysterious date-” he writes down ‘YUZU’S ONE TRUE LOVE = ?’ “-and then Yuzuru himself-” he scribbles down Yuzuru’s name next to that, then draws a heart between them. “Then we have Shoma, who we’ll recruit and get the juicy deets from.” he writes down Shoma’s name, then draws several arrows pointing to the circle containing Yuzuru and his mysterious date. “But then what?”

“We find out why they were hiding it?” Satoko offers. Keiji nods, then draws an arrow out of the circle with Yuzuru and his mysterious date that points to ‘WHY???????????’

“Alright, so that’s the plan, and then after that we’ll plan them the best date that man has ever known as a reward.” Keiji grins and slams a hand down on the table. “I’ll go get Shoma, and he’ll have to help us.” with that, he scoops up his paper and pen, tucks them neatly into his pocket and rushes off to go find the younger skater.

* * *

 

It takes a while and a lot of promises of buying video games and chocolate, but eventually Keiji has Shoma on their side.

**yuzuru hanyu’s super secret spicy scandalous romance**

**gayther added keiji and pissandot to the chat.**

pissandot: why is my name like that

pissandot: im gonna kill itsuki

gayther: well it’s true

gayther: what were you even THINKING like honey blurandot was fine

pissandot: adam it has been a stressful season let me live a little please

gayther: ...that’s fair

gayther: ANYWAY DID KEIJI FILL U IN ON WHAT’S GOING DOWN

pissandot: uh idk

pissandot: he promised me some new games and chocolate i like so i don’t really care

keiji: SHOMA I SPENT LIKE FIFTEEN MINUTES EXPLAINING IT TO YOU

pissandot: FUCK OFF MOM

gayther: woah who taught YOU such language

shibsib: adam have you heard yourself

gayther: yes and i sound absolutely FLAWLESS~

shibsib 2- the infinitely better sequel: debatable

gayther: THE FIRST TIME YOU SPEAK IN THIS CHAT AND IT’S TO INSULT ME

shibsib 2- the infinitely better sequel: :3c

gayther: BUT ANYWAYS SHOMA

gayther: so a few days ago i saw this in mcdonalds

**gayther sent an image.**

gayther: the one and only yuzuru hanyu on a,,,,,,,,,,,,, date????????????

gayther: so we want to find out who his super secret lover is

gayther: which is why we have you on our side

gayther: so you’ll go undercover to find out who it is!!!!!

pissandot: uh

pissandot: ok

pissandot: but why me

keiji: bc im a shitty liar and noone knows him that well anyway

keiji: but!! im spending like ten million moneys on you so you better help us somehow

pissandot: ten million moneys

keiji: FUCK OFF

* * *

 

Keiji sneaks around the corner, his back pressed to the wall and bunny slippers muffling any sounds his footsteps make. Yuzuru’s room is just around the corner, and he’d seen the other skater enter just a few minutes prior, looking slightly flustered and smiling while texting someone. He hadn’t seen who, because he’d been hiding behind the sofa at the time, but he’s willing to bet it’s Yuzuru’s secret date.

When he finally reaches Yuzuru’s door, he knocks loudly and shouts, “I’m coming in!” before all-but slamming the door open and grinning. “Sup, guys-” he pauses, then takes in the sight before him.

Yuzuru is standing at the door, smiling crookedly with a red face and shirt untucked and messy when Keiji swears it hadn’t been a few minutes prior. But that’s not really that weird; no, what  _ is  _ weird is that Shoma is lying on Yuzuru’s bed. Or at least he  _ was, _ because now he’s scrambled up against the wall, eyes wide and cheeks redder than Yuzuru’s are.

“Uh, Keiji!” Yuzuru laughs, leaning on the door. “How are-” he almost falls over and puts his arm on the other’s shoulder to steady himself. “-how are you?”

“Good, I was just wondering if…” ah, fuck. Keiji hadn’t thought this far ahead. “...if you knew where Shoma was, and you do!” his laugh is hardly convincing, and Yuzuru’s expression says that clearly. He can feel his face flushing, and he swears a drop of sweat rolls down his face like a tear.

“Well, uh. I’m here.” Shoma says from the corner, waving awkwardly. “What do you want?”

“Um… I need to.. talk to you…? About video games.” Keiji nods to himself. “Yeah. Video games.” the younger skater seems to get the hint, eyes widening for a split second before he gets up. He says something inaudible to Yuzuru, who simply nods and laughs, then grabs Keiji by the arm and leads him out of the room.

“What is it?” Shoma hisses, rounding a corner. He sounds rushed, as if he has somewhere to be- he’s glancing around like he wants to leave, too, but he’s always doing that.

“Did you find out anything new?” Keiji hisses back. Shoma looks confused for a moment, then nods to himself in understanding. He’s still blushing.

“Um… no. I uh, I was.. waiting for him in his room!” Shoma says, a little unsure of his own words. “Just incase he came in with his date. So I could. Find out. Yep.”

“...a bit direct, but.” Keiji shrugs, then ruffles the younger’s hair and hands him a chocolate bar. Any other emotion on Shoma’s face is immediately replaced with a wide grin as he unwraps the chocolate inhumanely fast, then takes a huge bite out of it.

“Thanks!” ew, he’s chewing with his mouth full.

“Well, I’ll be leaving now.” Keiji says, trying not to cringe at his friend’s kind of disgusting way of eating. “We’re all meeting in the living room to discuss plans in about half an hour. You should come down, considering you’re like. Our spy.” Shoma swallows, face flushing a little.

“Um, I’m busy.” he replies, taking another bite of his chocolate bar. “Also.. my English is horrible anyway.. I’ll just text you if I find out anything new.”

“But we speak in English in the group chat-” Keiji begins, only to realise that Shoma is already half-jogging away in the direction of Yuzuru’s room. Oh well. He’ll tell the rest of the guys about it during their meeting.

* * *

“Alright!” Adam marches into the meeting five minutes late, positively beaming. “I have got some verrry juicy information on our secret date.”

Everyone turns to him immediately, and Nathan’s a little upset at the fact that he has McDonalds but didn’t buy any for him. “Alright so, using my expert connections with my fellow competitors and staff members, I have acquired the knowledge that one Yuzuru Hanyu has reserved a table at McDonald’s-” (“You can reserve a table at McDonald’s?” Nathan looks positively thrilled, until he realises and his expression sinks.) “-for the day after the free at exactly 7PM- prime date time. Even better; it’s a table for two.” he finishes, then smacks his hands down onto the table with a vaguely terrifying grin. “So, what’re we gonna do about that?”

_ “INFILTRATE!”  _ screams someone in the small crowd.

“We’re going to make a plan. It’ll be so elaborate that even the smartest minds can’t decode it-”

“Then how are  _ we _ meant to?” Vincent interjects. Nathan punches him in the arm again.

“-ah, that’s the thing. It’ll be so stupidly complicated that only a group of true idiots, like us, would be able to understand it. But it’ll also be extremely efficient when getting the information we need.” Adam explains, before whipping out the paper and pen Keiji had been using the day before. He draws an arrow out of the circle containing Yuzuru and his date, then scribbles down ‘MCDONALD’S, DAY AFTER FREE, 7PM, BACK RIGHT TABLE NEAR THE WINDOW WITH THE FAKE ROSES UNDERNEATH,’ and then ‘INVESTIGATE.’

“Me and Maia can take pictures and film,” Alex offers. “We have ultra high-tech equipment.”

Adam nods and puts ‘SHIBSIBS’ under the heading of ‘FILMING/PICTURES.’ He then looks around, before adding himself and Misha to the list. “You and I,” he begins, as if this is his third grade poetry recital all over again, and maintains eye contact with the other skater even as he continues to write. “Have a unique affinity for taking selfies.”

He continues to go around the group giving people roles- Nathan and Boyang are exiled to the outside of the McDonald’s to stand guard, Mirai, Vincent and Keiji are the official spies, Mirai being supplied with a tape recorder to listen in on any important conversations, while the rest of the group is given other small roles, like sabotaging the meals to force one person or the other to get up.

Then Adam gets into the plan.

“Okay, so, I’m going to write this down as I go but you guys need to listen closely- we’ll arrive at the McDonalds at precisely 6:40PM, then at 6:50 we’ll split up to take our positions. Boyang, Nathan, you stay outside until you see Yuzuru come in. Ask him what he’s doing to distract him while we set things up, and to see if he’ll lie to us again. Mirai, you stay inside the building at all times and get at least one table away from Yuzuru and his date. These are booth tables, so they are optimal spying positions. Vincent, you need to hang around near the window with Misha to see if you can get anything. Shibs, you’ll set up wherever Mirai does, and I know you’ll find a way to film them somehow.” he pauses to take a breath and finish scribbling down what he’d said, then continues.

“Alright, when Yuzuru and his mysterious date sit down, the Shibs will start filming. Mirai’ll start recording, but that tape recorder cost like two dollars and I don’t expect it to be that good.” he hums to himself as he continues to write. “Then Vincent and Misha need to look into the window, see what they find and take a picture or two. REMEMBER TO TURN OFF YOUR FLASH.” he underlines that part. “And then, this is where you reaaally need to pay attention. Satoko, Kaori, and Maia will sneak off to the kitchen, where they’ll find Yuzuru’s order and sabotage it. Then, Maia will attach a small camera to the tray, to get a chance of seeing the date again.” he whips around, still scribbling, and stares sternly at the three he’s given the positions to. “As soon as you’ve done that, get out of there and meet Keiji at the back entrance, and you’ll go and watch from the window next to where Vincent and Misha are, and then Misha will join me in running into the restaurant. We’ll pretend to take a selfie, and hopefully catch Yuzuru’s mysterious date since Yuzuru himself should have gotten up to change the order!” he finishes with a grin, folding his arms. “Any questions?”

“Yeah.” Vincent raises his hand. “Does it need to be that stupidly complicated?” Adam narrows his eyes and gives the younger skater a disapproving look, but answers regardless.

“Yes, actually. This way, there is a 100% chance of us catching whoever Yuzuru’s date is!” Vincent still looks a little confused even as he nods slowly.

“Um, me too.” Javier, who has mostly been hanging in the corner for most of the time, puts his hands on his hips. “What about the rest of us?”

Adam laughs, a little evil-sounding actually, and says, “Just sit back and enjoy the drama.”

* * *

 

Keiji is hanging around in Shoma’s room, playing video games to destress on the day before the short program. Well, more like Keiji has been playing Mario Kart on his own for the past few minutes, and Shoma’s disappeared off to look through his bag. For some reason.

“Keiji,” his teammate looks a little out of breath, and upon turning to him Keiji sees that he’s emptied all of his clothes onto the floor. “I need help.”

“Yeah, I know.” he snorts in response, and is about to turn back to his video game when Shoma smacks the controller right out of his hands. “Hey! What the fuck?!” Keiji gasps sharply, staring at the screen in horror as his 1st place slips away from him all-too-quickly. He doesn’t know whether to scream at Shoma or cry over his loss.

“I’m serious!” Shoma exclaims. Keiji, defeated, sighs and turns back to where his friend is sitting amongst his pile of clothes. He’s holding up two shirts, a white button-up and a plain black t-shirt. When Keiji only tilts his head in confusion, he sighs and says, “Which one looks better?”

“White shirt.” Keiji deadpans. Shoma looks at said item nervously.

“Are you sure? Like, what if it’s too fancy? But also I want to be casual but not like… too casual? Does that make sense-?” Keiji sighs, walks over, and slaps a hand over his mouth. Shoma glares at him and licks it.

“Why do you even  _ need  _ a new outfit?” Keiji asks; usually, if he’s going out, Shoma will just throw on whatever’s nearby, and for formal events he usually has to borrow things because he forgot. So it’s weird for him to be stressing about it now, for an occasion that Keiji doesn’t even know about. Shoma’s face flushes before he replies, a little quiet.

“Um.. I’m.. going on a date.” he admits, glancing to the side akwardly. Keiji tries not to look too surprised, despite how much he really is; if he’s being completely honest, he’d always thought that Shoma had been too busy gaming to really pay attention to romance. Sure, he has friends, but time for a full-on relationship? Whoever it is must either love video games too, or is someone that Shoma is so infatuated with that video games can wait. He has no idea who that could be.

Apparently, he voices this thought aloud, and Shoma’s blush darkens even more as he shakes his head, “No, um, you wouldn’t.. you wouldn’t know them.” hm, after this whole Yuzuru thing is over they need to find out the mystery of Shoma Uno’s epic romance. In the background, he spots Shoma’s console giving a warning that it’ll shut down in a few minutes.

“Well, if you’re going on a date…” Keiji hums, then stares down the two shirts again. “Casual but not too casual, fancy but not too fancy… a button-up is just a little too much, but you look great in white.” Shoma nods, willing to follow just about any advice he gets. Keiji joins him on the floor and digs through the pile of clothes until he picks out a plain white t-shirt. “And you have more jackets than shirts.. it should be easy to find one.”

“Since when were you my stylist?” Shoma mumbles, but doesn’t protest when Keiji pulls out a black jacket and a pair of jeans. He piles them into Shoma’s arms, and then after a few moments, picks out a pair of slightly worn black converse.

“Go try these on.” he ushers Shoma off to go change, and the younger can’t help but wonder when this suddenly became an impromptu fashion show. But he goes along with it anyway, and when he comes out Keiji whistles and claps. “Yes! Your date is not going to be able to  _ resist  _ you!” Shoma flushes again, giggling nervously and smoothing down a loose bit of hair.

“You think so?”

“I know so.” Keiji replies with a grin. This feels oddly reminiscent of a 90s romcom.

Shoma smiles back, before walking back over and picking up his controller. He turns the console on again and looks back at his friend with a laugh.

“Alright, let’s see you get your ass kicked at Mario Kart again.”

* * *

 

It’s the day after the free skate, 5:45PM. The group is slowly assembling in the living room, Adam typing rapidly into the group chat to make sure everyone’s here. By 5:50 almost everyone’s there, minus…

“Where’s Shoma?” Nathan asks, as if reading his mind. Keiji, halfway through a conversation with Kaori and Satoko, turns back to the others before simply stating, “Oh. He’s on a date so he can’t come.”

“Wait, what-?” Adam’s eyes are wide, the room going quiet at Keiji’s words. “Don’t you think that’s a little… coincidental?”

“Oh, nah.” Keiji waves it off, laughing. “He left like half an hour ago. Yuzuru’s mysterious date isn’t for another hour and Shoma never shows up early to anything.” and then, “Besides. I’m his best friend; he would’ve told me if it  _ was.” _

“..if you say so.” Adam replies, lips pursed. He doesn’t look entirely convinced. “But anyways-! Let’s get to work, kids!”

They quickly arrive at the McDonalds, and everyone takes their places. Nathan and Boyang hang around near the entrance, trying to look inconspicuous. Not only are they spying, but they’re also banned from this place. He wonders briefly if they could get arrested for this.

Time passes, and when 6:55 rolls around they both stand even closer to the door. Nathan can’t help but think that Yuzuru or his date should be here by now- their reservation is at 7PM, so shouldn’t they want to be a little early for it? Looking over at Boyang, the other looks a little puzzled himself, but remains quiet about it. Whatever. They probably got distracted kissing or something.

But then it’s 7PM, and they’re both looking at eachother in confusion.

“I’ll check the group chat,” Nathan mumbles, and as soon as he turns on his phone he sees that the notifications for said chat have blown up.

shibsib: GUYS

shibsib 2- the infinity better sequel: YUZU AND HIS DATE ARE ALREADY HERE

keiji: WHAT THE FCUK?????? WHAT THE FUCK

gayther: ???????? BOYANG NATHAN GET TO THE WINDOW WHERE MISHA IS N O W

queen mirai: GO GO GO

“Oh, goddamnit.” Nathan whisper-shouts, and frantically waves his phone at Boyang. The other skater’s eyes widen and, like a flash, he’s already darting into the bushes to sneak over to where Misha and Vincent are. “Boyang! Wait!” he almost trips over trying to catch up to him, but even then he gets to the window a solid ten seconds after him.

“What’s happening?” he hears Vincent asking. “You guys aren’t meant to be over here.”

“Well, change of plan.” Boyang says back, then peeks through the window. “We still can’t see who it is, seriously?!” Nathan makes a similar noise of frustration, while Misha and Vincent catch up on the group chat. They’d been lied to. Someone on the inside had tricked Adam, or…

“Oh my god, guys.  _ Adam.” _

* * *

 

Maia gives Kaori and Satoko the signal, before hurriedly rushing off toward the direction of the bathrooms, going the long way around the tables so as to not be seen. Their plan’s already gone slightly wrong, and they’ve been given orders to go ahead and do this part a little earlier than planned. While she waits for the other two girls, she pulls out her phone.

adam’s son: guys

adam’s son: i think someone here is working for the other side

shibsib 2- the infinitely better sequel: oh my god WHAT

shibsib: maia it…………. makes sense

shibsib: who else would know to purposely mess up the reservation times OR give us the wrong one??? it’s someone here it has to be

keiji: GUNS OUT HOES

adam’s son: AHFDHFGHFG WAIT KEIJI

adam’s son: unless someone in the mcdonalds knew what we were doing then there’s only one person who could change it on purpose

gayther: wait me???

gayther: no no!!

gayther: betrayed by my own son!!!! i thought you trusted me!!!

keiji: GUNS!!!!!! OUT!!!!!!!! HOES!!!!!!!!!!

adam’s son: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS

adam’s son: NO WONDER THE PLAN IS SO STUPIDLY COMPLICATED!!!!! YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO THROW US OFF AREN’T YOU

gayther: NO I SWEAR!!!!

adam’s son: I WON’T HESITATE BITHC

Maia quickly shuts off her phone, eyebrows raised impossibly high. She’s kind of thankful for Kaori and Satoko quickly approaching, because that is drama that she doesn’t want to sit through. She can almost feel Nathan furiously typing from over here. As other two get closer, they wave enthusiastically, seemingly oblivious to the war breaking out in the group chat.

“Alright!” Satton grins, already marching toward the kitchen door. “Let’s g-!” and then she smacks right into it.

“Shi-” Maia glances at Kaori and backtracks, sweating. “-iiiiiiiiiiiiiizzzzzle!! Satoko, are you okay?” the younger skater nods, a little dizzy, and then glares at the door.

“I thought it would be open..?” she mumbles, frowning deeply. Kaori does the same, slowly raising her leg. Maia is confused for the split second between then and the moment she gives the door a powerful kick, breaking it open and smashing it to the floor. Oh. She forgot they could do that.

“Oh my god.” Maia’s jaw could hit the floor right now, but Satoko and Kaori don’t even seem that bothered, already strolling through the door as if they hadn’t just  _ committed a potential crime.  _ “Guys…? Guys, wait!” she hurries after them, only to bump right into Satoko just after she enters the kitchen. She’d apologise, but it falls short when she realises there’s a bunch of McDonald’s workers staring at them, and one’s holding a broom.

“Run.” Kaori mutters, and they do.

* * *

 

Mirai looks at the group chat and feels utterly betrayed.

So much so that she actually screams out, barely resisting throwing her phone to the floor. Adam! She should’ve known. In the world of figure skating, never ever trust anyone. Especially someone whose only defense in this situation is ‘honey please I’m gay.’

“ADAM!!” she shrieks, launching out of her seat. “YOU DAMN TRAITOR!!!” Alex gulps nervously, scrambling back into his seat.

“..Mirai?” Yuzuru sounds almost too surprised, but even now, with the perfect opportunity to get a glance at Yuzuru’s date, she doesn’t look. She is blinded with fury. With the look of a soon-to-be murderer, she runs out toward the entrance, about ready to stab her traitor of a friend. And she almost makes it, almost gets the plastic McDonalds fork out of the restaurant, but then-

THWACK.

“OH  _ SHIT-” _

About three people run into her at once; Kaori, Satoko and Maia, and then the angry shouts of a horde of angry, underpaid McDonalds workers follow. “Mirai!” Maia yelps, grabbing her teammate by the shoulders. She looks like she’s seen a ghost. “We need to get out of here, those workers are gonna-”

“HEY GUYS!!” and then Adam and Misha strut in, and all hell breaks loose.

* * *

 

Kaori doesn’t exactly know what’s happening with Yuzuru and his date, but as soon as Mirai lays eyes on Adam she starts yelling at him. Various ugly insults are thrown, and one particularly dramatic moment amongst the shouting of skaters, McDonald’s workers and random athletes who just want in on the action, is when Mirai calls the rippon ugly. Of course, she doesn’t mean it (or at least, Kaori hopes not) but Adam smacks a hand to his chest and straight-up screams as he cries regardless. At some point, Nathan and Boyang run in too despite the fact that they're banned, and the managers of the McDonalds join the screaming match with them, asking for the others to get out because _ you are disturbing the peace and you two were already banned please please leave- _

So, to cut a long story short, it’s chaos. Kaori, the ever-mature person she is, stands off to the side after scrambling out of the crowd. The shouting continues, and every once in a while a random skater that she didn’t even know was involved will stumble out of the warzone, and if she didn’t know better she’d think that there was an actual fight going on. Thankfully, the only thing being injured is everyone’s egos.

Well, Mirai is armed with a plastic fork, but. Let’s ignore that.

Kaori is prepared to leave after a while, because she’s entirely convinced that if this goes on any longer someone’s either going to get hurt or in trouble. But, just as she’s getting ready to haul ass out of there, she spots two figures in the corner of her eye; one of them is undoubtedly Yuzuru, and the other is… well, it can’t  _ not  _ be his mysterious date. They’re walking toward the back exit that her little group was originally meant to leave from, unnoticed by the distracted staff and fellow skaters. She narrows her eyes, glances around, and slips out of the main room to follow them. Trying to remain as quiet as possible, she avoids the discarded kitchen supplies and speed-walks to the open exit.

It’s later than she’d thought it would be, and it takes a little while for her eyes to adjust to the late evening’s darkness. When they do, though, she holds back a gasp.

If she peeks around the door, she can spot Yuzuru and his mysterious date. Yuzuru’s hand is on the other’s cheek, the other pushing back their hood to reveal messy brown hair. They’re speaking softly, and the faint laugh from the mysterious date is one she’d recognise anywhere. And now, when she can finally see his face, she knows it can’t be anyone _but._

“...sorry about…” Shoma’s voice is quiet, laced with humour, and though she can’t see his expression clearly she can hear the smile in his voice. “..it was funny, though..” their voices keep fading in and out, and she keeps having to strain to hear them.

“I’ll have to make it up to you, when we get back.” Yuzuru replies, and oh, their faces are awfully close together all of a sudden, and now she feels extremely guilty about intruding on this so-

“I’m sorry!” she jumps out from behind her hiding spot, hands held in front of her and shaking slightly. Yuzuru and Shoma both leap back, looking like deer in the headlights.

“Kaori?!” Shoma’s the first to speak after a few tense seconds, and even in the darkness she can tell he’s blushing. “Wait, how’d you-”

“I was standing off to the side and I saw you and Yuzu leaving and I had to see-!” she stops and lowers her hands, however, when she notices that the two are smiling. Yuzuru slaps a hand to his mouth, but that doesn’t stop a loud giggle from bursting out.

“W-what’s so funny?” Kaori is on the brink of either crying or laughing. Probably both. Shoma notices and his eyes widen as he steps forward.

“O-oh, it’s just-” Shoma makes a vague gesture toward Yuzuru, who still can’t stop giggling. “I may or may not have been the one to sabotage the plan. And even then, you found us.” oh. Ohhh. It all makes sense now. Shoma’s weird absence, Keiji’s recollection of when he’d caught Shoma in Yuzuru’s room a few days ago, and Shoma having a date today. Wow. She feels kind of stupid.

“...oh.” is all she can really say. Shoma smiles, laughs, then links arms with Yuzuru. She’s got to admit, it’s really cute.

“Alright, we’re leaving now- don’t tell anyone about this, okay..? We have something planned.” Yuzuru winks, smirking. Kaori nods quickly, at a loss for words.

Whatever they’ve got planned, she doesn’t think it’ll top this.

Whatever this mess even _was._

* * *

 

The aftermath of the McDonald’s screaming match is not pretty.

Yuzuru’s table is completely abandoned, the booth next to it where Maia and her group had been covered in napkins as a makeshift shelter. Straws and plastic forks lie on the floor, along with a single, half eaten fry. The broken door is hastily pushed aside. It’s quiet, save for the harsh breaths of those still present; the poor, poor staff who are going to have to clean this all up.

What they can’t clean up or fix, however, is the divide in the figure skating community. Friendships ruined, egos heavily bruised. Of course, by tomorrow they’ll all be sorted out again, but for now the community is a wreck.

And even after all that…

Adam and Nathan shuffle in, and the manager can’t even be bothered to ask them to leave this time. Under their feet, the plastic forks break with a loud snap, and the fry gets stuck to Adam’s foot. They survey the wrecked area, pick up the broken tape recorder that Mirai had been using. The Shibs had already recovered what little footage they could, and it turned out they had the camera facing the wrong way.

So they still don’t know who the hell Yuzuru’s secret date was.

And maybe they never will.

* * *

**TEAM JAPAN 4 LYFE**

wakabond: so how were the olympics?

kaori: trust me you don’t wanna know

keiji: well shoma got a date but that’s the only good thing that happened outside of the actual competition

pissandot: KEIJI DON’T LIE

keiji: ?? what do you want me to explain that whole thing with yuzuru to you bc he still doesn’t know

4A OR BUST: :)

4A OR BUST: well, actually,

**Author's Note:**

> oh my GOD this took me so long to write im gonna DIE
> 
> but!!!! it's finally done! i hope y'all enjoyed it!!  
> as per usual, my tumblr, instagram and now twitter are chopinseimei!


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